Another man but what about what I want

Here I am again having not posted for the last couple of years.  Has my life changed?  Yes, but not in a fundamental way ... still the change has been perpetuated by someone else's actions and not my own.  The man I was seeing dumped me when after over two years I stated that I was going to move closer to him.  I was not serious about this but was testing him out.  I got my answer.  I won't go into the whys but he was a unfaithful man who got found out, although to this day he does not know that I had found out.

Although, I suspected that he would have that reaction, the experience left me devastated for a number of weeks and I felt that my world had come to an end.  Now where am at?  Seeing someone else who has borne the brunt of my lack of trust and who says that he is not like that.  With my "lack of trust" head talking .... we'll see!  Admittedly, he is different but I can not erase that worm of a feeling that I sometimes get when negative thoughts start to pervade my consciousness. 

Putting all this aside the question I have is: why can't I break free from the biological need to be in a relationship?  Why can't I do without a man and get on with the things that I believe I WANT?  When I am in a relationship I tend not to concentrate on what I want so much and get involved with what we are doing.  If I was not in a relationship maybe I would follow through with my ideas ... who knows?

The canker sores are still with me

Here I am certified to be off work, rested but the bloody wounds on my tongue are still hanging in there!

Remi Nicole

Whose the guy in the sunglasses?

A little ditty played out in a lauderette somewhere in Notting Hill .... but who is the guy in the sunglasses?

Parole board have signed my release

The parole board in the guise of my doctor have signed me off for another week.  Agreement that my mouth deserves a rest.  Some people might agree with that.  Hope this gagged effect will not last until Christmas though, I have commitments to adher to.  The Christmas tree has to be taken out of the garage for a start.  Watched Riverside Cottage Christmas tonight.  It is soo middle-class, set in Dorset somewhere.  Playing to an audience who aspire to living the cottagey life (probably in a property which costs just a bit under a million), spending your day baking, cooking and socialising with like-minded people.  No hoodies to be seen anyway!  See for yourself:   http://www.channel4.com/programmes/river-cottage/4od#3147683

Incessant agony

These bloody mouth ulcers are taking over my life.  They do not let me forget of their existence for longer than ten minutes.. The length of time it takes for me to swill around some salted water in my mouth, sit down at the computer, enjoy the relief and then BAM it starts again!!  I am going to have a big celebration when they finally go.  Yesterday, thought they were on their way out, then last night these tiny pin pricks of yellowness appeared on the tip of my tongue.  They must of thought that the large ones at the side of my tongue were getting lonely!!  I just wish I knew why they appeared.  Am I rundown?  Have I an allergy?  All I truly know is I hate the fuckers!!

Here I am again

My time back in the harness of work has been brief and I have now been struck down by pustules appearing on my tongue which have multiplied like a sex-crazed mouse.  Hard to talk.  Doctor said stress has sparked off this latest spate of illness and has signed me off for a week.  I am not surprised work has gone from being enjoyable to a hamster wheel of monotony.  Instead of autonomy, they want me to go from thinking for myself and become an automaton.  What it so funny is that they all take it so seriously.  They trumpet on about the banality of their job out loud but with a tone of triumph ... Hilarious! Don't they see how ridiculous they sound?  Am I the one who's wrong?  I wonder whether they would be doing what they do if they knew today was their last day on this earth?  I doubt it!